Sunday Evening Debrief: 9/5/17

Welcome to the Sunday Evening Debrief, the worldwide leader in hungover cultural commentary. If you’re like me you’re curled up on your couch, watching tv in the dark and waiting for your take-out delivery like a hungover piece of human garbage. You’re probably shaking from a combination of alcohol withdrawal and crippling anxiety about the week ahead. Never fear. I’m here to fill in the blanks from your blackout stupor, remind you what you drank to forget, and ultimately better equip you for sober, human-to-human interaction come Monday. It’s my personal guarantee that the takes will be strong, the facts will remain unchecked, and that 150 kiloton truth bombs will be aimed directly at the woke centers of your tiny lizard brain.

In years past, Game of Thrones ends some time in the middle of July, leaving a seemingly endless 6 weeks between the season finale and NFL week 1. These 6-8 weeks are arguably the worst weeks of the entire year. The only thing for the intrepid hungover consumer to watch is preseason football, midseason baseball, and Netflix re-runs. As we all know, the worst content on television is any baseball played before mid-September. You are a liar or delusional if you are telling me you give one shred of shit about a meaningless late July baseball game. 80% of teams at this point are either mathematically eliminated and tanking, being sold for scrap to contenders, or have maxed out their potential as middling underachievers. Just hit ‘Sim to Playoffs’ and end the suffering. Thankfully, HBO and co coincided the end of Game of Thrones almost perfectly with the beginning of football season. So instead of nearly 2 months of content deprivation, its more like 2 weeks.

Despite this reprieve of the content doldrums of summer, preseason football is still bad. You get all jacked up to see your starters for approximately one meaningless series and by the time the 3rd quarter rolls around there isn’t one player on the field that will be on the final 53 man roster. It feels like you are 15 seasons deep in franchise mode and the league has become some cheap bastardization of itself. Yet I keep coming back. I don’t care how awful or unhealthy it is, I crave football and football-related content like an addict. I’ve basically been reading the carbon-copy NFL previews and predictions columns that pervade the internet until my eyes bleed. I willingly watched the perennial torture that is Matthew Berry/ESPN’s 24-hour fantasy marathon. I watched the SECOND HALF of the Cleveland Browns and the Chicago Bears game on a SATURDAY in AUGUST. That is the football equivalent of drinking mouthwash behind a CVS because the liquor store is closed on Sundays (fucking Puritans).

At this point in the season the only thing worse that the product on the field is the NFL media. The heat of the takes this time of year burn like a thousand suns. All the pundits know that nobody actually gives a shit about anything said before week 1, and they take this opportunity to get all their shitty and unapologetically biased takes out before the season starts. But since basketball season is still far away and nobody under 45 likes baseball, networks have hours and hours of air time to eat up. Usually this is when they dig artifacts like Bill Polian and Herm Edwards out of cold storage and ask them their thoughts on the NFL landscape circa 2007. Networks are also testing out freshly cut and unemployed veterans who have decided since they can’t make an NFL roster that somehow makes them qualified to comment on the nature of NFL. Its preseason for them too. after all.

The only football related solace I can find during these 6 weeks is Hard Knocks. Hard Knocks, for the uninitiated, is a 4 part HBO documentary series that follows a shitty up-and-coming team through training camp. This season they are following the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. One of the main things that happens in Hard Knocks is for everyone to overhype the big personalities on the show, regardless of their football ability. Two years ago Chris “Bang Bang Chicken and Shrimp” Polk was dubbed the next Ladanian Tomlinson after catching a few passes during 7-on-7 (Pretty sure he got cut). Last year Tavon Austin projected to be the next Marvin Harrison  before everyone woke up and remembered his coach is Jeff Fisher and he plays for the Rams. This year, I’m 100% all-in on Jameis Winston. Jameis is portrayed as an Alabama QB Jesus, who by the grace of God, rose from country bumpkinism to read a cover 2 like Peyton Manning and throw a football a country mile. I’ll admit I drafted Mike Evans in fantasy football solely because I’m convinced Jameis is going throw 40 TDs. Either way I’m excited to see how the Bucs will implode. My guess is its something to do with Miko Grimes. Google her. Bitch is crazy!!

Anyways… In the midst of the frozen wastes of preseason ice cold takes is Fantasy Football Draft Season. This is the time of year when overpaid Fantasy Football “analysts”, annoying fans, and armchair GMs participate in a collective pissing contest of prediction and punditry. It’s truly a spectacle. This is the time of year for clickbait garbage like ’10 Players You MUST Target in the Mid Rounds’ and ‘Why Christian McCaferty is PPR God’. I honestly wonder how much time and money people annually waste on Fantasy Draft Kits and ESPN Insider subscriptions. Frankly it’s embarrassing as a nation. I love fantasy football, however there is an inverse relationship between how fun fantasy football is and how much you care about it. Lets be honest. Fantasy football is basically something non-weather related to small talk about at work for 4 months of the year. Instead of asking about their stupid kids or weekend plans, you can just ask how their team is doing.

This gets into some interesting territory, because there is nothing less that I care about than a fantasy football team that isn’t mine. The only way I get to discuss my team is by putting up with other people talking about their team first. However, listening to other people’s injury related sob-sob stories and waiver wire woes make you want to discuss the topic less and less. Summarizing every single conversation about fantasy football ever to take place is as easy as just imagining two people waiting for their turn to complain about something the other doesn’t care about at all. Sort of like being on a shitty second date except you probably won’t get a dry handjob in the end. I’m dubbing this phenomenon the ‘Fantasy Football Discourse Paradox’ and am still working on a formal definition.

THE DUMP

  • I’m already seeing ads and social media stuff proclaiming its pumpkin season. I’m going to plant my flag firmly in the ‘Fuck Pumpkins’ side of this debate. Pumpkins fucking suck. Flat out. There’s a reason you throw all the seeds and guts and shit in the garbage when you are carving jack-o-lanterns. Nothing made me happier as child than scissor kicking every single pumpkin in my neighborhood. If in the 1940s Big Agro had decided fall was actually #BeetSzn, then all the basics would be sipping BSLs and huffing beet scented candles with equal fervor. Stake woke people.

 

  • The Boston Celtics and Cleveland Cavaliers finally completed the blockbuster Kryie/IT trade after the Celtics agreed to throw in a conditional 2020 second round pick. For Cleveland, I hope that the worthless late round pick is worth the irreparable damage to Isaiah’s reputation their flip-flopping has inflicted. Nobody likes trading with the kid who whines to teacher after they call takebacks and you tell them tough titties. Good luck desperately unloading Kevin Love at the trade deadline for a bag of balls and the soulless husk of Carmelo Anthony, only to have LeBron leave for LA in 2019 along with any hope your franchise had at being relevant in the next 15 years. Can’t wait for that Dan Gilbert comic-sans open letter. Also, I feel super bad for Isaiah. He put is heart/body/soul into the Celtics for 3 years, only to be flipped for a younger and hotter version of himself.

 

  • Its after labor day, which means its time to stow away all those white clothes you wanted to wear and embrace COLOR RUSH season. Even mother nature is getting involved with color rush, with reports suggesting leaves are breaking out their alternate uniform colorways for all of autumn. I’m not sure when its ok to start wearing white again though (Technically isn’t it always after labor day?) Also, someone needs to get a memo to all the KKK/white nationalist clowns out there that their white uniforms are essentially a fashion holocaust and its killing their universal appeal. If they spent more time designing their consumes in line with seasonal fashion trends than worshiping statues of inbred racist losers they might be taken more seriously.

 

  • At 2:33am on Sunday Elon Musk tweeted “Competition for AI superiority at national level most likely cause of WW3 imo”. I have put most of my faith in the survival of humanity behind Elon Musk and his various pet projects, so on its surface this tweet is problematic.  However with Kim Jong Un being back on his bullshit I find his claim hard to believe. Trump will assuredly talk tough with more sanctions, however I honestly don’t know what there is left to sanction NK with. I’m pretty sure the only thing they can legally export now is shitty Vice documentaries. We’ve essentially cornered his fat ass and I’m not sure he sees a way out of it that doesn’t involve nuking Guam. Part of me wishes KJU and Trump would just get this whole mutually assured destruction over with so we can avoid the whole machine uprising thing that Elon is warning us about. I, for one, have played enough Fallout 4 to thrive in the post-apocalyptic wasteland and will embrace my new life as a mild-mannered scavenger/cannibal. I would also much prefer to die on my feet, fighting for a can of beans during the nuclear winter, than live bending the knee to our new robot overlords.

 

  • Lil B The Based God seems to have Lakers rookie Lonzo Ball is his sights as his most recent curse victim. In his new reality show, Ball proclaimed ‘people don’t listen to Nas in 2017’ and that ‘real hip-hop is Migos, Future’. The Based God warned on twitter that ‘Lonzo ball is a few seconds away from being cursed his rookie year on the lakers’ for his slight against hip-hop veteran Nas. Putting Nas anywhere near Migos or Future in the heiarchy of rap greatness is pure blasphemy and fully warrants the wrath of a Lil B curse. Lil B cursed Kevin Durant for the first 9 years of his career, and it wasn’t until KD brought his talents to the Bay Area did he lift the curse and allow KD to win the title. He also cursed James Harden during the 2015 Western Confrence finals for stealing his signature cooking dance (Rockets lost the series 4-1). On Tuesday, Lil B bestowed his blessings on to the Boston Celtics for this season and congratulated Jaylen Brown ‘for being real’.  The Boston Celtics are currently 8/1 to win the NBA finals, and thanks to Lil B’s blessing should be mortal locks to win the title this year.

 

  • I watched the new Netflix documentary ‘Unacknowledged’ over the weekend. It starts out as your run-of-the-mill aliens-exist-here’s-the-evidence doc and ends up outlining the deep-state conspiracy to lie to the public about aliens by orchestrating false flag invasions, assassinating JFK/Marylin Monroe, and keeping us ignorant to the vibrant interplanetary space culture we are missing out on. This one really got me fucked up, especially being someone who firmly believes aliens are real and is prone to conspiracy theorizing. Discovering aliens will be the most uniting force in human history and we are really missing an opportunity to unite the people of the world as one cohesive species. Instead of hating other humans based on race, religion, sexual orientation, or sports team allegiance like we love to do now, we can instead join hands and direct all that hate against the aliens.

 

 

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