The Red Sox got caught stealing signs using an Apple watch against the Yankees last week. Apparently the trainers were getting the catchers signs from the home video crew via Apple Watch, and relaying it to the player on second, who then relayed it to the hitters. A pretty elaborate cheating operation for something that literally every baseball team in existence tries to do and gets away with fairly consistently. The crime here is purely in the effort. People have been successfully stealing signs since baseball was invented. Why do they need to drag technology into the equation. We were stealing signs perfectly fine until someone concocted this half-baked PG comedy operation. This is why technology corrupts everything. Shouldn’t have invented Apple watches and expected massholes not to try and use them to cheat at sports. I guess they did hit better with runners in scoring position over the alleged timeframe of the infraction. So I guess it was helping? Whatever. Everyone else is doing it, we’re just slightly better at it. Pretty sure that’s written on the Massachusetts state flag anyways.
Boston needs to embrace the persona of a heel city. Everyone already thinks were the bad guys and cheaters and hates our guts. I think Boston needs to turn its persecution complex into a villain complex. Every good story needs a bad guy. Why not us. And experience is telling me that the bad guys win a lot more than you think. I guess what I’m saying here is if you’re not cheating, you’re not trying. If you get caught? Fuck it. I’m here for a good time not a long time. Sweep that leg, Johnny. Fuck you and your gentlemens agreements and unspoken rules. Its 2017. We out here cheating with motherfucking Apple iWatches! Phyten-wearing broke ass Yankees are just butthurt we out-riched them. It’s not our fault everyone else cheats like fucking peasants. Cry me a river of tears, ye sports puritains. I’ll build a bridge and drive our championship parade right over it.
Speaking of New England based cheaters, people need to stay woke on the fact that Bill Belichick pretends to not understand social media and spikes his fair share of Microsoft surface tablets in order to create the illusion that he is an old school football guy who is afraid of technology. But in reality he is an evil fucking genius. How do you thing he orchestrated spygate? Hidden videocameras technologically years ahead of their time. Not even the Japanese had perfected miniaturized cameras of that quality in 2007. Its almost a known fact he bent the natural laws of the universe to deflate some footballs during halftime of a 38 point blowout. Extracting the miniscule amount of air from the football was serious scientific undertaking. Enter Matt Patricia. What did Matt Patricia do before becoming a football coach? He was a fucking rocket scientist. Someone with the science background Belichick needed to design his ultimate cheating scam. Not only did Patricia orchestrate the best scoring defense in the NFL, he helped Belichick engineer a cheating scheme that quite literally redefined the natural laws of our planet. In a game they won by 38 points. Cheating even when you don’t have to. The ultimate cheaters move.
Perhaps they should have cheated a little harder on Thursday night after dropping the nfl season opener 42-27 to the Chiefs. The Pats defense was flat and their pass rush was nonexistent. Tom Brady looked human. The Chiefs do deserve some credit though. Alex Smith managed a hell of a game and was actually able to complete a pass farther than 10 yards downfield. Kareem Hunt looked like Jamaal Charles racking up 240 yards from scrimmage. And fortunately the game was never close enough for Andy Reid to somehow bungle his clock management. Play of the game had to be Travis ‘Fake Gronk’ Kelsey telling everyone hes become more mature in the offseason and then proceeding to punch a man in his dick in the 4th quarter of a blowout. Personally I’m excited for the ‘Are the pats done or finished’ articles that will inevitably clog the newswire for the next three weeks. This is only more bulletin board fodder. Part of what makes the Patriots great is that no matter how good they might be, they always manage to spin themselves as the disrespected underdogs. The only way that can be achieved effectively is the pundits calling them done or finished, which can only happen after a humiliating loss like this. I wouldn’t call this loss a false flag public humbling exercise by Belichick, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was. The only way to feed a team more bulletin board material is to create it yourself. Thus triggering a vicious cycle of bulletin board material (see graph below). This unrelenting bulletin board material propaganda machine is the secret sauce that keeps Bill Belichicks teams competitive year in and year out. Team lose games. This is what happens in the NFL. My hand is very far from the panic button at this point in the season. The Pats do have some holes that need to be addressed if they could hope to compete down the stretch. But for now…. it’s week one. Water finds its level. I’m on to the Saints.
THE BULLETIN BOARD MATERIAL ECOSYSTEM
- I have to admit something I’m not proud of. I watched a quarter of the Jets vs Bills game today. When I turned it on, I expected chaos. I expected them to be out there looking like 22 kids at recess where only half of them are trying to play football. And you know what? It wasn’t as shitty as I thought it would be. It actually resembled football. They didn’t run out there with baseball bats or wearing hockey skates. Nobody was picking dandelions or examining bugs. They played football using the correct equipment and followed the standard NFL rules. STOCK TIP: I’m investing heavily in the company that makes those folding tables that Bills fans chokeslam each other through. Table slamming confidence is at an all time high in Buffalo and the demand for tables to slam is rising. Be sure to sell off before the Bills peak around week 4, their annual implosion.
- If you own a printer, you are officially a full blown adult. Owning a printer is probably one of the top 5 most responsible things to own (top 5 includes, in no particular order: compost bin, indoor plants, children, handgun). The only time you need a printer is when it’s a full blown crisis scenario and you are absolutely desperate to print something out. If someone broke into your house and put a glock to your dome and asked you to print out their concert tickets, most people would be fucked. Bottomline here is unless you want to get shot everyone needs to buy a printer ASAP. Got to OfficeMax.com and use promo code 69BUTTSMOOCH to get 10% off printer and ink purchases.
- Carrie Underwood is back with the Sunday Night Football theme song. Its known far and wide that Carrie Underwoods work with the Sunday Night Football theme song is among the most significant cultural landmarks of the 21 century. Right up there with the arrival of the Beatles and Gangnam Style. Whichever marketing genius canned Hank Williams Jr in favor of Carrie Underwood deserves a pat on the butt. Carrie Underwood is a golden-piped goddess and has the thiccest thighs in the game. I think she could squat 315lbs in heels. I’m confident she could kick an 80 yard field goal. I don’t think you need an MBA to understand the best way to market football to middle America is via a beautiful and powerful woman, not a Budweiser can full of dipspit that gained sentience (I’m looking at you Hank Williams Jr).
- A series of hurricanes is expected to decimate Florida and the Caribean not a week after hurricane Harvey completely destroyed Houston. Hurricanes this powerful and frequent are not quite an anomaly this deep into hurricane season, and I know that crazy weather isn’t necessarily a consequence of global warming. However this seems like a convenient opportunity to convince the simpletons (read: Republicans) that still don’t believe in global warming. Their entire argument is based on the fact that there isn’t enough evidence to support it. I feel like apocalypse levels of destruction right in your back yard should be enough evidence. It’s funny to me that some of these climate skeptics have a hard time believing that human pollution is gradually heating up our earth, yet are convinced that earthquakes and floods and fires happen because god gets mad that women are having abortions. If I were in charge of the EPA I would just make one study that’s titled HURRICANES TURN YOU GAY AND ARE IMPERVIOUS TO GUNFIRE and our national carbon footprint will be nil within weeks.
- A large shoutout to the ITFL All-Stars for opening the season with a resounding win to open the flag football season. The play was tight in all three phases except for the quality of touchdown cellys. There was not a dab or whip or nae nae to be seen. Merely white people level handshakes and high fives. Need to be better next week. Most importantly though, theres a bar behind the field that has keno and $12 Land Shark buckets. We saw the team we will be facing next week at the bar and they barely put away a pair of pitchers. Fucking sober skinny weiners. Mortal lock of my life on the ITFL All-Stars next week.