2017 Armageddon Survival Guide

David Meade, a Christian numerologist and writer for the Christian publication Unsealed, believes last months eclipse was a precursor to a larger biblical event scheduled to happen on September 23rd. His predictions stem from a prophecy from the Book of Revelations, a New Testament book written by a prophet named ‘John’ (his true identity is unknown) that describes a series of visions he had about the endtimes and the second coming of Christ.

According to Revelations 12:1-6, a woman ‘clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet and a crown of twelve starts on her head’ will give birth to a boy who will ‘rule all the nations with an iron scepter’, while the woman is threatened by a red, seven-headed dragon. She will then grow the wings of an eagle and then will be swallowed by the earth. According to prophecy this event is one of signals of the beginning of the end times.

Meade asserts that this prophecy loosely describes an actual cosmic event actually supposed to happen this weekend, when the moon will ‘cover’ up three planets and the constellation Virgo in a rare ‘lunar occultation’. The moon will block Venus, Mars, and Mercury, respectively, between this Sunday and Monday. The prophecy will allegedly be fulfilled when the constellation Virgo (the woman) will be “clothed in sunlight” in a position that is over the moon and under nine stars and three planets (12 stars). The planet Mars, which will be ‘inside’ Virgo at the time, will move out of Virgo as if she is giving birth (the boy). The boy is supposed to represent the second coming of Christ, who will then be taken into the protection of the kingdom of heaven, and the seven-headed dragon represents Satan. Ray believes that the two eclipses scheduled to travel across the US in 2017 and 2024 are marking an X on the nation, and bookend a seven-year period of chaos (aka the apocalypse) that Revelations says wait in store for nonbelievers who are left behind after the rapture occurs.


Although I’m skeptical, this got me thinking about how ready I would be should the end of times begin. Would I be saved in the rapture? How long would I survive? Would I survive at all? I decided to dig into what the prophecy actually has in store for us should the end times begin this weekend.

Christian eschatology (aka study of the apocalypse) says that following ‘The Woman and the Dragon’ event, a Beast will rise from the earth, supported by the Dragon (aka Satan), and will be tasked primarily with persecuting Christians. Eschatologists speculate the Beast isn’t a literal beast, but represents the empire of the Anti-christ. Those who have received the mark of the beast (666), in other words those who worship and serve Satan and his regime, will be chiefly responsible for the oppression and destruction of the people of earth. Obviously God will not be super stoked about this, and he will declare war on Satan and his legions. Not before he sends Jesus back down to earth to warn everyone about what’s about to pop off. 

The conflict between those who serve Satan and the righteous (i.e. those without the mark of the beast) is called Armageddon. Sometime after Jesus’ second coming, he’s going to bail on earth and the Rapture will occur. This is when God calls all the faithful into the protection of heaven. For all its cultural references, there is only one reference to the Rapture in the bible, in a letter from Paul to the Thessalonians, where he says that the righteous will join the already resurrected dead in heaven, and the remaining people will be ‘left behind’. 

With Jesus and the pious nerds out of the picture after the rapture/resurrection, thus begins the Great Tribulation, Gods judgement of earth. This will culminate in an epic final battle pitting the armies of heaven, which is made up of angels plus the resurrected/raptured believers against the army of hell. The armies of Satan are led by Gog and Magog, two princes of Hell (believed to equate east and west), and they command a horde of demons and zombies and dementors and whatever other satanic shit the devil has down there, along with his loyal earthbound followers (marked by the beast people).

Eventually Satan and his hordes will be defeated at the hands of heavens armies, and God will ‘will bring him to judgment with pestilence and bloodshed. I will rain down on him and on his troops, and on the many peoples who are with him: flooding rain, great hailstones, fire and brimstone.” [Ezek 38:22]. Satan, Gog, Magog, and their followers will be condemned to a literal lake of fire to suffer for eternity.

This signifies the beginning of the Final Judgement stage, where those who were not part of the initial rapture/resurrection will be part of this ‘second resurrection’. These folks will join the shiny new rebuilt kingdom of heaven, where twelve gates of pearl are manned by angel guards, the streets are paved with gold, and from the tree of life flows a beautiful river throughout the city. In a word, paradise.

A lot to unpack here. Revelations is easily the most alarmist and ‘harsh’ book of the New Testament, and rightfully so. It was meant to frighten people about the end of days into being good Christians. And at the time it was written, Jerusalem was under attack from the Romans, and some scholars believe the Roman legions were analogous to the armies of Satan. As a contemporary reader, I find it easier to digest when you strip these events of their ‘biblical’ context. In that respect, I’d like to lay out a rough outline, in modern terms, of what this weekends events might bring about as well as present a few strategies that might help one survive this massive inconvenience.

The first question one must consider is ‘Will I be saved?’. In short, no. Of the 7.5 billion people currently on earth, there are an estimated 2.2 billion Christians. So if you aren’t Christian, tough titties. No rapture for you. Yet even if you are one of those 2.2 billion, this does not necessarily mean you’re in the clear. The bible is pretty specific about what constitutes a ‘good’ Christian, so if you have done any of the following you are probably going to be left out of the rapture:

  • being gay
  • bestiality
  • lying about your virginity
  • rape
  • incest
  • having sex with a woman on her period (still had sex tho)
  • drinking blood
  • eating anything that mixes meat and dairy (i.e. a cheeseburger)
  • eating pork
  • eating any non-scaly sea creature (side note: I do NOT fuck with any of these gross bottom feeding ass creatures. If god wanted me to eat them he wouldn’t have put them on the bottom of the frickin ocean)
  • practicing magic (sorry David Blaine)
  • breaking sabbath
  • consulting a psychic (David Blaine FUCKED!)
  • murder
  • perjury
  • cursing at your parents
  • being a ‘drunkard’
  • wearing clothes woven from more than one kind of cloth
  • cutting the hair on the side of you head (sorry to literally everyone with that stupid haircut)
  • trimming your beard
  • dressing across gender lines

Most of us in 2017 knock out about half of these sins in a single weekend. So statistically speaking you most likely won’t be saved in the Rapture, which means you will have to tough it out on earth like the rest of us. So what’s that going to be like? Surprisingly, not that different than the world we know today.

Both the new and old testament describe the apocalypse as a time rife with natural and man-made disaster on an unprecedented scale. Considering we are already dealing with this kind of shit on a seemingly weekly basis, those of us left behind are probably already fairly well adjusted to dangerous and destructive weather events. Who would have thought that global warming actually helped humanity cope with life in a post-Apocalyptic wasteland. However shitty weather will most likely be the least of your worries.

You can also count on Satan’s followers hassling you at every turn. It’s not only demons and shit you gotta worry about, but also those left behind who were marked by the beast and aligned themselves with the devil. Goes without saying these guys are probably fucking assholes that should be avoided at all costs. The bible doesn’t specifically describe who these people might be or what their M.O. is, however I can safely assume these groups will be among those marked by the beast:

  • ISIS
  • Al-Qaieda
  • Kim Jong Un
  • Lebron James
  • MAGA-tards
  • Nazis
  • KKK people
  • people who vape
  • serial killers
  • slow walkers
  • mansplainers
  • Jets fans
  • Republicans
  • telemarketers
  • vegans
  • anyone who watches Big Bang Theory

As you can see, these people will be fucking everywhere. Your best bet is to go down to your local Wal-Mart this weekend, pick up a glock and a case of beans, and batten down the hatches until everything blows over. Don’t be afraid to use that blammy should you feel threatened. There’s no shame in icing a couple punk ass Satanists in defense of your beans (PROTECC THEM BEANS). In the immortal words of Waka Flocka Flame: “shoot first ask questions last/ that’s how these so called gangstas last/ WAKA FLOCKA” (I realize this is a Biggie line but I think Waka Flocka’s version will stand the test of time).

Eventually God is going to get sick of this Armageddon bullshit and basically bible-nuke the shit out of Satan and his cronies, which begs the question as to why he didn’t just do that in the first place. I suppose He doesn’t see the value in a preemptive strike. The flooding and raining fire will be your first indicator that shit is going down. When this happens be sure to stay inside, away from windows and doors, in a structurally sound building. Once the smoke clears be sure to identify yourself as a good guy, because those marked by the beast that were not killed by the flood/hail/fire storm will be captured and thrown into the lake of fire, to burn for eternity. My guess this isn’t a literal lake of fire, but rather a metaphor for heavens equivalent of Guantanamo Bay or gulag. Safe to say this basket of deplorables will be feasting on cock meat sandwiches and getting it rammed in the poop chute in perpetuity. 

If you are lucky enough to survive Armageddon, you and your fellow survivors get to live in a brand spanking new world, reunited with all your homies who got raptured. Heaven II is believed to be 12,000 furlongs wide and long (about 1500 miles) square, and it’s foundation is made of muthafuckin diamonds. The city is surrounded by 12 gates made of pearls and the streets are paved in gold. And not just shitty yellow earth gold, but translucent heaven gold. Safe to say everyone is going to be iced the fuck out #water. A beautiful lazy river flows through the city, leading to the Tree of Life at its center, which grows 12 different kinds of fruit. There will be ‘no more death, nor sorrow, not crying’ [Revelations 21:4]. In short, Heaven II is going to be fucking dope and will be well worth the hassle of Armageddon.

So will the world end this weekend? Probably not. A host of eschatologists. astronomers, and biblical scholars have come forward to call bullshit on the whole thing. Regardless it’s always smart to be prepared. As my father once told me: “Safety is no accident”.


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