1. Wears ‘commuter shoes’
If his wittle feetsy weetsies can’t handle walking to and from work in loafers, you might have a lil bitch on your hands. Nothing more emasculating than someone in a suit walking around in Sketchers Shape-Ups.
2. His fife is barren and his peasants are unruly
If he doesn’t demand the respect and obedience of the peasants of his fife then his fields will remain unploughed, the harvest will be meager, and it will be a long and difficult winter. Many will perish and come spring you might have a peasant uprising on your hands. No thank you!
Tell him either smoke cigarettes and die prematurely of lung disease like your forefathers did, or enjoy his remaining years alone masturbating to e-Juice catalogues.
4. Failed to answer the call of his feudal lord
If his feudal lord summoned him and his bannermen to help repel a barbarian invasion or embark on a crusade to retake the holy land, and he happened to be ‘busy’ or his ‘phone was dead’, it’s a good indication he’s unreliable and prone to flaking.
Vegetarian is another way of saying “sucks at hunting” and “enjoys having soft shits”. The two most famous vegetarians in history are Hitler and dinosaurs, and look what happened to them. Stay away!
6. His chestplate doesn’t match his greaves
Everyone knows the best armorers sell their premium armor as part of a complete set. If his set of armour appears mismatched, poorly maintained, or out of style, it means he couldn’t afford a complete set and had to purchase it at a second-rate smithy or worse, general goods trader. Broke boy alert!
7. Avoids manual labor
If he has to pay someone to fix, build, move, or destroy something, watch out. There won’t be Angie’s List after the inevitable collapse of civilization, and you’ll be left raiding rival scavenger groups alone.
8. Didn’t inherit the ancient weapon passed down through his clan
If there isn’t a longsword or battle axe hanging above his mantle that has been passed down from generation to generation, father to son, then either A) he comes from a line of broke-ass peastants or B) his father deemed him unworthy to wield the ancient family blade. Either way, a major red flag.