Dearest Dingus

Welcome to Dearest Dingus, the internets premier advice column. Got a problem that Dearest Dingus might be able to help you with? Leave it in comments or slide into the DMs!


Dear Dingus,

My friend is dating someone new, and he just started bringing her around to hang out. He hasn’t formally introduced us yet, however she’s comes around enough where it feels like it’s way too late and at this point it would be super awkward. I don’t want to hurt my buddy’s feelings, but I also want to save face. Is there anything I can do to diffuse the situation?

Sincerely,

Awkward in Arkansas



Dear Awkward,

Figuring out the staying power of your friends’ significant others is vital to any healthy platonic relationship. A good rule of thumb here is to be friendly to all your buddies companions regardless of where they rank in the hierarchy of companionship.

 However at this point your best bet is to just ride that shit it out. Hopefully they will just break up or something and you’ll get to avoid the whole awkward scenario, and in 3 weeks you’ll both be laughing about it over some ice-cold Coors Lites. However there’s always the risk of them finding true love and the relationship lasting, which means you will most likely have some shit to eat. The longer the relationship goes on without the proverbial breaking of the ice, the closer you become to Awkwardness Critical Mass. Not good! And should their relationship go the distance, at least you will have a funny story to tell at the wedding you probably won’t get invited to.

Dear Dingus,

My wife and I just had a beautiful baby boy and she asked me to stop smoking around the baby. I’m trying my best but no matter what I do I can’t stop. Any suggestions?

Best,

Smokeless in Seattle


Dear Smokeless,

In my experience there are three nearly foolproof ways to stop smoking that totally work:

  • The first is called “Warm Turkey”. Warm Turkey involves weening yourself off cigarettes by switching to other tobacco products, such as dip or vapes or nicotine gum, for a short period of time. This way you keep that psychological edge nicotine addition provides you without the harmful effects smoke inhalation might have on your child. Since backsliding is almost guaranteed, this method is best for those who don’t want to quit that bad, they just want to take like a month or two off because they got out of breath making nachos.
  • The second method is called the “Lung Ripper X” method. It adapts award-winning fitness program P90X’s scientifically dubious principle of “muscle confusion” to address your bodies physical dependency on nicotine. Body confusion increases results by constantly changing your workout, thus confusing your muscles into becoming bigger and stronger. One day you’re doing lunges, the next day you’re doing curls. Lung Ripper X works the same way. Some days, smoke a whole pack of cigarettes. Some days, don’t smoke any. Mix in a cigar now and again. Whatever you do, always smoke a different amount of cigarettes. Over time your body will become so confused it won’t know what it’s addicted to.
  • The final method is called the “Secondhand Smoke” method. First, you secretly (or not secretly) try to get your friends and loved ones addicted to cigarettes as well. Once they’re hooked, abruptly quit smoking in dramatic fashion. Make a pontificating facebook post about your struggle or buy a pack of band-aids and tell everyone they’re nicotine patches. That way, when they are inevitably smoking in your vicinity, you can inhale their secondhand drags without the harmful effects of smoking a whole cigarette yourself. It’s scientifically proven that secondhand smoke isn’t nearly as dangerous as firsthand smoke. Plus, you’ll save money by bumming all your cigarettes instead of buying a pack yourself.


Dear Dingus,

I’ve just met this wonderful guy and I’m totally in love with him! He’s funny, has a cool job, and even owns a cute dog. The only problem is that he doesn’t have a cell phone. He seems very mysterious and strikes me as of those “off the grid” types, which is part of the reason I think he’s such a hunk. However this is problematic because the only way we can communicate is email, which is sporadic at best, and the only way I can see him is if I show up to the places he might be and run into him. I started hanging out at bars I know he likes hoping to see him there. Sometimes I drop by his apartment just to see if he’s home. I’ve even resorted to calling his job just to see if he’s there working. My friends are suspicious and I’m having a hard time explaining to them why I keep suggesting we go to shitty skater bars in the gentrified part of town. Is he playing hard to get, or is he hiding something?

Signed,

Obsessed in Odessa


Dear Obsessed,

I have some bad news. You are behaving sort of like a stalker. However, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing! It’s all a matter of perspective. First thing to do is to make sure he’s not married. Not having a cellphone is a convenient excuse for him to keep your arrangement. Keep dropping by his apartment to make sure there isn’t a girlfriend or wife lurking around. Preferably at night, when you know they will be there. If he’s not married, proceed to step 2. If he is, tough titties girl, you’re his mistress. Any further action puts you in full-blown stalker/homewrecker territory and possibly in legal jeopardy.

Next, think back 40 or 50 years ago, to a simpler time before the cellphone and the internet. How were you supposed to meet anyone, let alone coordinate a date? Fortunately back then, there was a very fine line between dating and stalking someone. This “analog dating” was essentially showing up at whatever roller rink or bar or bowling alley they hung out at hoping to run into them. In theory, kinda like stalking. But in practice, mostly harmless.

In 2017 casual dating is facilitated mostly via a smartphone, however things haven’t fundamentally changed. You exchange numbers, stalk each other on social media, and if the background check is up to snuff, you set up a date. Or you go on an app and swipe until you find someone you wouldn’t mind giving a dry handjob, the technological equivalent of hanging out at a seedy bar or arcade. In either case, what used to be an awkward or legally problematic process has become fun and convenient thanks to the internet and smartphones.

Now it’s time to shift your perspective. Think of your new experience as “analog dating”, like it’s the mid 70’s. Embrace the chaos of loneliness and uncertainty. And won’t the possibility of running into him make the moment that you do that much sweeter? Also if your friends ask, don’t tell them about how you’re analog dating. They’ll be freaked out and rightfully so. It’s not 1977. Social mores change, including what constitutes stalking. Simply make up another excuse as to why you want to go there, or drag a fuckboi or two with you as cover. Fuckbois can be convinced to do nearly anything and they never know when they are being used to to run interference.

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