Saving Private Blart

Paul Blart: Mall Cop is undoubtedly one of our generation’s most influential and groundbreaking movie franchises. The third and final installment, Paul Blart: Mall Cop 3: Fear the Blart, was scheduled to come out in late 2017. However production in China was mysteriously shut down earlier in the year “due to a really bad smell” on set, described like “rotten eggs and zinc”. Some critics made the baseless claim that this gross smell fiasco was a poor excuse to shut down production after the universally poor reception of the sequel, Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (those claims remain unsubstantiated, and in my humble opinion, totally inaccurate).

Much of this criticism centered around star Kevin James, better known as the King of Comedy. Kevin James is one of the most dynamic actors ever to grace the silver screen, and I felt his talents as an actor and artist were vastly underutilized in Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2. Critics certainly agreed. However I felt this was less a referendum on the King of Comedy and more an indictment of the utterly atrocious writing. The development of Paul Blart relied heavily on Segway-based slapstick and self-loathing fat jokes. The story arc was one dimensional and it’s ending could be smelled a mile away, like rotten eggs and zinc. In short, I felt the best of Blart was ahead of us still, and couldn’t stand idly by at this miscarriage of justice.

As soon as I found out Columbia Pictures has shuttered production, I immediately reached out to the studio to get some answers. To my chagrin, the studio failed to respond to my repeated inquiries, as did Kevin James’ representatives at WME, his agency. After days of agonizingly waiting for some answers, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I wouldn’t let this legendary trilogy wither on the vine. I spent the better part of 2 hours writing a series of spec scripts aimed at revitalizing the once storied franchise and bringing the trilogy to a natural and epic conclusion, a few of which I have summarized below:

Paul Blart: Mall Cop 3: What the Blart Wants

Paul Blart experiences a sexual awakening after a passionate encounter with a fellow mall cop (and the son of the mall owner), but when mall management finds out, he is immediately and inexplicably fired. He enlists the help of a struggling civil rights attorney, played by David Spade, to sue for his job back on the grounds of discrimination based upon his sexuality. Despite intimidation from mall management, backlash from the conservative community that he lives, and alienation by his family and friends, he eventually wins the case and gets his job back.
Paul Blart: Mall Cop 3: Mustard and Blood

Paul Blart is asked by the DEA to infiltrate a drug cartel believed to be trafficking heroin via the Auntie Anne’s Pretzel stand. Things go south during a sting operation, and his identity as an informant is compromised and his cover is blown. The DEA wrongly pins the botched operation on Blart and labels him a double agent, launching a worldwide manhunt. Meanwhile, the cartel tracks down and murders his family in gruesome manner, and Blart swears revenge upon those two took his life, his family, and his job at the mall from him. He travels the globe hunting down the top members of the cartel who killed his family, all the while staying one step ahead of the DEA, before an epic showdown to exact his final revenge and clear his name.
Paul Blart: Mall Cop 3: Parking Lot Justice

Paul Blart accidentally shoots an unarmed teenager while out on parking lot patrol late one evening. Blart asserts his weapon misfired and that he’s just bad with his weapon, however the community and prosecutors claim it’s another deadly incident in a string of racially charged police encounters.The movie follows the court proceedings via an examination into Blarts troubled personal life, as well as the fallout within community and the deteriorating relationship between the police and those they are sworn to protect. The movie ultimately ends with Blart being convicted and serving a life sentence for murder.
Paul Blart: Mall Cop 3: Redemption

Paul Blart enlists in the army after a terrorist attack at the mall shakes him and the community to its core. Blart is deployed to a dangerous area of the Middle East, and witnesses firsthand the carnage and horrors of war. After his harrowing deployment he returns to his job at the mall, haunted by the atrocities he saw and committed. His PSTD is crippling, and after a particularly hairy incident with a Hare Krishna, he loses his job. This launches him into a catastrophic spiral of depression, addiction, and homelessness, only to be saved by his relationship with a 3 legged stray puppy he finds dumpster diving behind Denny’s.
Paul Blart: Mall Cop 3: 5 Seconds of Hope

Paul Blart, now a security guard at the local NFL football stadium, becomes the subject of national scrutiny after he drops his hot dog during the national anthem, and when he goes to pick it up (becuase 5 second rule), everyone thinks he’s kneeling in solidarity with the ongoing protests. Blart reluctantly becomes a symbol of defiance and solidarity in the face of injustice. After teaming up with Colin Kaepernick, Blart embraces his role as an unlikely champion for oppressed communities nationwide. However during a rally, Blart is assassinated by a crazed right-wing gunman during a moving and unifying speech, and in the process becomes a martyr for civil rights.

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