Black Friday Survival Guide

Black Friday, America’s favorite trampling based holiday, is right around the corner. It’s the most important shopping day of the year for retailers and consumers alike, and having a good Black Friday can mean the difference between a shitty holiday season and a slightly less shitty holiday season. Here are a few tips to make sure you’re on top of those deals and help avoid being killed in a WalMart parking lot.

  • Of the 115 Black Friday related injuries and deaths since 2006, about a third have been because of stampedes. The simplest way to avoid being killed in a stampede is to make sure you stick to the periphery of the crowd. Also make sure to wear your steel-toe boots for increased trampling effectiveness. As the old adage goes: “One more trampled and bloodied black friday shopper now; one less person I need to throat punch for a new toaster later.”
  • When fighting an old woman for a sale-price flatscreen television, use your arms to secure the TV while simultaneously kicking her in her brittle and feeble shins. Old people’s weakness are always located from the waist down; osteoperosis and the crushing weight of existence have made them structurally unsound. It’s either the TV or her remaining healthy years, and 9/10 times she’s going to drop that TV.
  • Most Black Friday shoppers will go straight for the big-name sale items like TVs and electronics. However there are literally thousands of other shitty, unpopular products that will be on sale too. If you are a thoughtless, selfish fuck then skip the good stuff and go straight for the crap like wool sweaters, socks, and “As Seen On TV” products. Nothing beats the look on your family and friends face’s when they open up a thoughtful gift… nothing except saving a couple bucks on shopping!
  • If you can’t get the sale item you are looking for, wait out in the parking lot and jump the first person you see with that product. The police will be too busy dealing with the unruly crowds and tending to the wounded to respond to a simple mugging.
  • If you haven’t already set yourself up in line, you’re probably too late. The tent-city shantytowns that start to pop up outside your local big box stores have started to form earlier and earlier with each coming year. To ensure you get the best deals, just skip your family’s Thanksgiving celebration entirely and instead get yourself set up outside your WalMart or Target of choice. As long as you get them that Xbox One X or hot new toy, your family will surely forgive you for abandoning them.
  • If you miss out on Black Friday, there are still a slew of piggybacking shopping holidays the following week where you can still get a great deal. Just a few:

Small-Business Saturday – small businesses across the country are offering Black Friday-type sales, making their prices now slightly higher than what you would be paying at a large retailer on any other day.

Sunday – you get a percentage discount equal to your BAC at the register (only at Bass Pro Shops in Alabama). Actually, I’m pretty sure this is every Sunday south of the Mason-Dixon, right?

Cyber Monday – also known as the ‘Black Friday of the Internet’. You’ll find yourself glued to your laptop, refreshing Amazon every 2 minutes hoping something on your list appears in the “flash sale” deals section. You’ll inevitably buy everyone on your list an Echo Dot (only $29!) anyways so don’t worry if you miss anything.

National Looting Day (Beta) – This year, the Trump administration is testing their new Purge-inspired holiday where for 24 hours all breaking and entering crimes will be absolved as long as what you are stealing is new, unopened, and will be given as a gift.

Medieval Weapons Wednesday – All ninja swords, throwing stars, battleaxes, spears, shields, chainmail, and accessories are on sale at the random Asian stuff store in your local mall.

Takeback Thursday – You are allowed to take back any gift you have given to anyone in the last year as long as it will be immediately re-gifted again.

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