Do Not Talk About These 4 Things

Most people suck. They’re the worst! But perhaps the worst thing about people is what they say. Here’s four topics that, when brought up, will get you a one way ticket to Scissor Kick City.

1. Working Out

Discussing anything about working out or your own fine-tuned, bodybuilding.com approved workout regiment is virtue signaling of the highest order. I get it, you are a paragon of discipline and willpower, a god amongst men, and I am inferior to you, me the meek rider of ellipticals. Honestly it would be more impressive if you just woke up one day and were jacked. It would sure cut down on all the #GrindSzn #RiseAndGrind #GymLife shit posts that literally no one asked for. Also, whenever you think you are being helpful by giving tips and stuff, it just comes of as condescending and humblebraggy. Do not offer to send me that killer lats/delts work out that did wonders for you (“just feel these lats BRO”). Do not tell me about how you blasted your pecs yesterday and are so sore that you cannot muster the strength to wipe your own ass. Unless you are an Olympic powerlifter or you lifted exactly 69lbs, do not EVER discuss how much weight you can lift. And let’s face it, everyone is going to the gym for one simple reason; they hate themselves for one reason or another (like we all do) and it (usually) has nothing to do with their body. It’s just most people have healthy outlets like basket weaving and casual drugs that can’t be mistaken for an entire personality. But the sad truth is that there is no exercise, no ab workout, no amount of cardio can improve whatever personality deficiency you are working extremely hard to compensate for. So just keep that shit to yourself.

2. Fantasy Football

An estimated 60 million people play fantasy football each year. Yet 100 percent of all fantasy football conversations are basically just two people waiting for their turn to talk about their own shitty team. There is no dialogue whatsoever, merely two people complaining and gloating in proximity to one another. No discussions about he underlying games that fantasy football is reliant on. Just irrelevant logistical bullshit. I couldn’t give less of a shit about your glut of running backs or your bad beat on a garbage time touchdown or how its SO DIFFICULT to manage those two teams (“I just don’t know who to root for!”). Don’t tell me about your EPIC run to winning your league six years ago in an 8 team league of your shithead buddies. Don’t tell me about your humiliating and totally-original-not-stolen-from-twitter last place penalty challenge. It’s called FANTASY football for a reason. It’s not only a game, it’s a fucking game ABOUT a game. Fantasy football could disappear tomorrow, and it would have zero effect on the outcome of actual football games. Any kind of stakes or perceived consequences are completely arbitrary and totally engineered. None of this shit matters. Leave me out of it.

3. Cryptocurrency

Every white male between 18-35 has some stake in bitcoin, myself included. This is a fact. You would think for something so popular and revolutionary, people would have some actual insight about it. Nobody knows shit about it! The first type of crypto talk is usually several people with absolutely no tech background trying to mansplain to each other what the blockchain is. They sprinkle in buzzword nuggets like “distributed ledger” and “encryption” designed to create the illusion that they are experts, but their entire knowledge of the blockchain is based upon reading approximately one Business Insider article and what high schoolers on reddit have told them. The second type is those who are convinced that they can make money off it just because their stoner friend who used it to buy ecstasy on the dark web in 2014 forgot he owned one bitcoin and is now a millionaire. It’s over man. You missed the boat. Don’t even get started on alt-coins. If you, in the summer of 2019, still buying any kind of cryptocurrency, you are a trick ass mark and I have a bridge I’d like to sell you. Put that shit in a Roth IRA and shut the fuck up.

4. Dreams

Dreams are very important. German philosopher/psychoanalyst and dream study pioneer Sigmund Freud once said dreams “respresent a disguised fulfillment of a repressed wish” and are a “discharge of repressed instinctual impulses.” Whoa. Not only are they a fleeting glimpse into the subconscious of the dreamer that can spur personal growth and self-reflection, but they are vital to having healthy sleep. Personally, I don’t disclose anything about what I dream to anybody. Mostly because I have strangely erotic while horrifying dreams and would prefer to keep those weird things to myself. I’d rather work them out on my own time, rather than treat my friends like armchair psychologists. Whenever people tell me about their dreams, I inevitably try to analyze it and just unfairly assume the most antisocial psychological explanations for the most benign, trivial shit. Also, please do not discuss your dream from last night as though it is some kind of relevant cultural touchpoint that people other than you are interested in. People talk about their dreams like it’s some new TV show that they think everyone should start watching. Dreams are more like a bad show with no plot that airs one time and you forget 99% of it once it’s finished. Sounds pretty shitty.

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