The sports and political media world descended into chaos when Donald Trump attended Game 5 of the World Series, where he was met with riotous boos and a hearty “lock him up chant” from the hometown Washingtonians. As expected the media and Twitter pundits spent about 4 days in a think-piece debate spiral on whether or not it was “ok” to boo a president at a public event like a baseball game.
Predictably, pearl clutching right-wing pundits espoused empty rhetoric about the “sacredness of presidency” and “respect for the office of the President”. Meanwhile lefties argued that nothing short of Jose Altuve flogging a bare-assed Trump at second base would have sufficed.
Then, sports fans weighed in when they again booed Trump at the UFC Main Event at Madison Square Garden last week. Some argued this signaled a dire warning for Trumps re-election prospects, considering Trump’s base and UFC fans share a lot of common characteristics; namely wearing Tapout shirts, listening to Joe Rogan, and traumatic brain injuries.
In the wake of these two events, Donald Trump has announced that he will be attending this Saturdays LSU-Alabama game in Tuscaloosa, Alabama to help soothe his fragile ego. I will give it to him, the man knows what plays where. And nothing screams “Donald Trump’s base” quite like a Saturday night college football game in Alabama.
For someone so obsessed with crowds, who gets so much energy from the riotous rallies that helped catapult him to the presidency, he is surprisingly not used to being received by hostile ones. He very rarely makes appearances in public when the prospect of a poor reception is even a question. In fact he will go out of his way to avoid any interaction with the unshowered masses, spending most of his adult life shuttling between a gold plated penthouse apartment and a members-only golf club comprised of handpicked millionaire Floridian Boomers. He holds most of his rallies in heavily-Trump leaning locales and manages to weed out most would-be protestors and potential riff raff, presumably by requiring some kind of loyalty pledge MAGA blood oath upon admittance.
In any case, it got me thinking about what kinds of sporting events would be most receptive to a Donald Trump appearance, and which would be most hostile. Behold, the Scale of Trump Fan Hostility:
10 (EXTREMELY HOSTILE) – Seattle Sehawaks vs San Francisco 49ers NFC Championship at CenturyLink Field
Not only is CenturyLink Field architecturally designed to enhance crowd noise, but the matchup of these two coastal elite cities (San Francisco and Seattle) would spell near disaster for a Trump appearance. Despite the NFL generally skewing right politically, this would be the last place on earth Donald Trump wants to be and there would be a legitimate possibility of a full blown riot.
9 – Los Angeles Lakers vs. Los Angeles Clippers Western Conference Finals at Staples Center
The NBA and it’s fans are the most progressive in America sports. Lebron has been one of Trumps most vocal critics. Two LA teams packing the Staples Center to the gills. Chrissy Tiegen might assault him with a pretzel. This would not bode well for Donald.
8 – Toronto Maple Leafs vs Montreal Canadiens
The Canadians (not Canadiens) do not forget any slight against them both perceived and real, and Donald has aimed his fair share of slander towards our friends in the north. Pump them full of Molson, sprinkle in a few scuffles in the first period, and by the third they place will be exploding with “Eh Fuck You, Sir!”s.
7 – mid-July Red Sox vs. Yankees at Fenway Park
The Red Sox/Yankees rivalry has cooled quite a bit in the past few years, however that latent hatred and vitriol is always simmering beneath the surface. Perhaps the only things those two fanbases can agree on is their love of northeast neoliberal politics. Not a good day at the park for Donald, but a surprising amount of his base turns up to at least save face.
6– Any MLS Game
This would be much higher if more people gave a shit about American soccer. They could probably pack the place if they publicized Trump’s appearance and gave the first 10,000 fans commemorative hand grenades.
5 (INDIFFERENT) – The Masters Final Round in Augusta, GA
Donald loves golf perhaps more than his children, and I am sure The Masters is on his bucket list. However he’s known as a joke in most golf circles. His cheating ways at golf has been well-documented, and is basically just that guy you let play in your foursome because he buys all the drinks at the bar after. The Masters does not allow cell phones and their rather stuffy culture of golf would render most boos pointless and passe.
4 – Alabama vs Auburn aka The Iron Bowl
This makes for a relatively warm Trump welcome. However considering how absolutely insane these people are about their college football, ultimately folks are probably more concerned about the outcome of the game than any kind of presidential cameo.
3 – Talladega 500 (Lincoln, Alabama)
175,000 southerners obliterated on Bud Heavy, blasting Skynrd in the infield, brains fried in the sun after watching cars turn left for 3 hours. This is truly Trumps base. Hero’s welcome. Shades of Dubya pumping ched at the 2001 World Series.
2 – Monster Jam Tour Event
Cut the amount of spectators from Talladega in half, multiply the amount of booze ingested by 1.5, pack them into some shitty county arena, put outlandish lift kits on the cars and crash them into each other. Basically a more drunk, more stupid version of NASCAR. Donald makes his grand entrance in the tuck bed of Gravedigger as it runs over a schoolbus full of sick immigrants. Crowd goes wild.
1 (HEROES WELCOME) – 1936 Summer Olympic Games (Berlin, Germany)
Literal Nazi rally.